This week's Rusty Goat Story
This Week's Pity Party
(Caution: Old and ugly women may find this offensive)
I came dragging in from work today and slid down in my easy chair, reached for the laptop and checked my e-mail...damn...three more e-mails from women on Match.com. I sighed and opened the first one up...ugly. Opened the second one...old lady. Opened the third one...old and so ugly she didn't even have a picture. I know, I know... I know better than to put myself out there on Match.com...been there and done that...and still cuddling up to a pillow every night. But a few weeks ago I spotted a little gal on there that was cute...had Sandra Bullock eyes...and her headline was 'I Hope We Dance.' Well, it was Saturday and I can dance, so I paid the money and sent her an email inviting her to dance with me that evening. She e-mailed back and said she had recently moved out of state, but if I could get there in time...she'd dance with me...I couldn't so we didn't. So, for a month I've had to deal with these 'other women.' I admit I crossed my fingers hoping one of those really hot chicks would send me an e-mail, but I'm beginning to think that those pictures are put on there just for bait...there really aren't any hot chicks on Match.com, just ugly chicks and old women. Yeah, I'm picky...and I understand that light switches were made just for guys that end up with ugly women, but sooner or later a fella's got to flip the light back on...and live with what he's done...for eternity. And hey, I don't have any issues with older women...except the ones that look old. I'd consider an older woman if she was well preserved...and still had all her parts in the right places. If Sally Fields knocked on my door, I would never turn out the light...or leave the house.
Can you tell I'm in a bit of a funk? I like that word...funk. I used it alot when I was a teenager. The first time I used it around my dad I wound up with a knot on my head...he was always kinda hard of hearing. Anyway, it's been a crappy year...I heard an 'Amen' or two. Even Mr.Obama would agree about that right now. But on a personal level, I did do the divorce thing last year. That's after living through a nightmare that lasted several months that even Stephen King could never imagine. Half of my household income left with that woman I kicked to the curb. There was an adjustment period. I had to cook, clean, do laundry...and clean toilets. Once I had all that under control, I turned my attention to getting on with my life...which turned out to be my biggest challenge. I decided I looked my age, which was unacceptable so I took drastic measures. After few hundred dollars of Rogaine, hair coloring, and wrinkle cream...I still look my age. After several months of abstinence, I began thinking about women. That's about the time I discovered that there is a world wide shortage of single women my age...that would be just barely over fifty. I found plenty of women in their early forties...with young kids...which I like ok. But I was really surprised to find that this age group of women is to be approached with the same extreme caution one would exercise with radioactive waste. I also quickly became aware of the enormous number of single women over the age of fifty five, which should also be approached with the same extreme caution as stated above...for entirely different reasons. But, after eight months of searching, I've not run across a woman my age that just reaches out and grabs me. I really didn't set out to find a younger woman (been there, done that) nor a 'woman of age.' I just wanted to find a cool fifty year old chick that I can communicate with..."Who's singing that song, sweetheart?" "Why, that's Mott the Hoople...don't you remember when they changed their name to Foghat?" "Foghat...Slow Ride...we should download that song and play it when we go to bed tonight!" Now see, I can't have that conversation with a forty year old chick...and don't intend to have it with a sixty year old woman neither!
My son has turned me on to Facebook. He says it's a great place to make friends...he has over six hundred...so far I have four...I don't even know three of them. I spent a couple of hours searching for old friends last night....found four women that at some point in time I got completely naked with. They have pictures...probably wouldn't get naked with them again. But it did jar a few memories loose. I'm not getting the full effect of Facebook, but I have come to the realization that it is a very dangerous place. If you say something on there, it immediately scatters all over the internet. Whatever I have to say, I usually say right here on this page...it's pretty safe...someone actually has to come HERE to read it...but not Facebook. Man, you throw someone's name out there and it shows up on my 'friends' page, their 'friends' pages. So, to that chick...who I know has a facebook page...who has snubbed me for the past two months...I'm going to say what I have to say right here, "Vesa My Cula, sweetheart!" I ain't saying that on Facebook...her and a million more people would read it for sure. I really don't see me getting too involved with the Facebook thing...it's for people who want imaginary friends...I'm looking for something I can snuggle up to at night. I do plan to keep searching out people I got naked with...or wish I had at some point, just for fun. As for Social Networking, I'm just going to have to do it the old fashioned way. I'm gonna go to the bar on Saturday night and dance with the girls. They keep it so dark in there that you can't tell if they're old and ugly...and at least I get to actually reach out and touch somebody there...somebody real.
I find myself ready for a change. I have to be very careful. With the funk I'm in, I have the tendency to just toss everything in the toilet and flush...and start all over again. I was talking to a friend the other day and told her I was thinking about selling my place in the country and moving to the city. I could have a cute little townhouse, get me a high dollar dog to walk up and down the sidewalk...maybe even take up golf. I could hang out at a different sports bar every evening. I could meet city girls while jogging in the park...hang on, that was a funny thought...me jogging! My friend shook her head and said, "That's not you...you would never be happy living a life like that." She popped me on the head, "You're having yourself a pity party. You need to put your 'man-panties' on and get out there and do what men do...you need to get laid! I KNOW you know how to do that!" Well folks, I've been thinking about the advice my friend gave me...maybe she's right. So...I'm gonna flip this quarter up in the air...HEADS...UGLY...TAILS...OLD!
This story is an excerpt from 'The Adventures of the Rusty Goat
The Complete Collection. 2009 - 2010'